no change不变了

i feel vexed, again.

why do i always come here when i feel vexed. not like it helps

but still. i feel vexed omg

i am freaking tired i need a three day break

make it five

no

i think really, make that ten.

 

i need ten day break when i dont have to talk to people if i dont want to. dont have to see people if i dont want to. dont have to wake up at 6 if i dont want to. dont have to say certain things act in certain ways if i dont want to..

 

etc etc

 

okay to put it simply,

i need a break

 

i feel so vexed

久仰郭敬明的大名

许久不读中文书就去图书馆读了一下

本来想看 《幻城》 还是 《梦里》 的，毕竟是人家的成名之作。可惜图书馆没有。于是就读了这个 《悲伤逆流成河》。

书名就很不对我的胃口。要不是为了看看他的作品，这种书名我通常是扫一眼再提一下嘴角，绝对不会停留。

记得有人跟我说过他的文风有点做作。我的读后感就是没事找事。真的是。看得出他的比喻和描写是精心设计的。像拧毛巾一般的，拼命想写一些所谓不落俗套，所谓很有创意的东西。无论是把人的声音比作鼻涕，还是冷不零丁来一句“白寥寥的天光”，抑或是在对话中掺一些字眼强烈的脏话，总让我觉得很刻意。故事，没什么不好，但可以的扭曲语言反而让我觉得很不自然很刻意。

书的结局更是雷人，至少我这么认为。虽然他也不小了，可还是让我想到那句“为赋新词强说愁”。就好像14，15岁的孩子一般，以为忧郁，emo，整天高喊“LIFE SUCKS" 便是成熟。我可以很简单明了的跟大家讲述结局：

1234，

1和3是情侣，

2和4是情侣，

1和4是感情超好的姐弟，

2和3是青梅竹马的好友。

1莫名其妙自杀，

3和4觉得是2害的。

2为了证明清白，在3面前跳楼。

3受了刺激，打开煤气自杀了。

唯有4活着，但也很惨。

完了

呵呵，最有趣的是这一连串事情全都发生在最后的十多页左右

想不出好结局也没必要这样雷人吧？是想快点出版赚稿费么？

好吧或许人家写得很好吧，好赖也卖了60万册。

或许那个年代的我会陷入这种作品无法自拔吧？现在的我似乎无法欣赏这种花里胡哨的文字了。似乎是越写实越对我胃口。文字越简单易懂越让我舒服。像郑渊洁，虽然故事情节比童话还童话，但文字简练又不做作。像亦舒，她的故事的结局是比没结局还没结局，虽然我知道如此还是忍不住想一只看下去。平铺直抒的牵着我到那从没有存在过的结局。我有时甚至怀疑她可能不会写结局。不过至少她很会逃，逃得让人心服口服。至少她没有为了写结局而写结局。

好吧归根结底我长大/老了。欣赏不了所谓的“青春疼痛小说”了。平淡的直白的一针见血的，现实的真诚的有话说话的，这才是我喜欢的。

我应该庆幸，无病呻吟的年代早已离我远去。

这世界没有青春小说中写的那么黑暗，也没有儿童读本里写得那么美好。世界，社会，人性，说白了它就是个庸俗。用华丽的语言描述庸俗的世界，这是糟蹋文字。

俗没什么，咱知道就好

忽略这里很久了

也不是忙到没时间写这个

 

不是没有力

是没有心

 

我拼命的抗拒长大。

但或许是时候了

我是控制不了的。

 

清晰的感觉自己一天一天的变化

我想走了

我想换个环境给自己

当然要努力才能走得了呵~

 

英国美国都好

日本台湾甚至中国

我想走了。

 

我会尽力离开

 

好怪的奋斗目标哦

好男儿志在四方

虽然我是女生

 

Yeah i said i would post a reflection of my CT results

but I didnt

I should have followed tradition and post something on my birthday

but I didn't

YD came back. it's definitely worth blogging

but I didn't

Nat day, the grueling rehearsals surely worth a whine here

but I didn't

 

it's time to get all those up here before they disappear off my mind.

this is my pensive, yes.

 

CT results were goo.d Of course I should have worked harder and get an A for Chem. Afterall I was just 2 marks away. How could I have spent 1 hr on the MCQ?!!! How could I shade my OAS wrongly! all the Ds were shaded at E's bubble. How can I not get angry with myself for committing such stupid mistakes! but i didn't really get angry xD it just made me more determined to do better next time!

 

Physics was an lucky A. better work hard this time cos you can't possibly be lucky every time.

 

GP was lucky too. Consistency is the key!

 

Math was a teaser. I should really do more prac. Pure math is not a joke like stats

 

Jap was crap haha it rhymes. I got 86 percent but was only at the 64 percntile of my class. I think everyone got A. or more like he happily decided to give everyone A. whatever. I'm v glad that I chose Jap over econs! yay i don't even do anything to study jap. just go for lesson and wack during exam only haha wth.

 

Bday! So I turned 19. Now i'm going on 20! my gosh that's bloody old! haha . Sincerely thank everyone for the presents. received cosmetics from more than one person >.< what is this i thought i'm naturely attractive? xD haha kk you can puke now. then there's the photo frame thingy which strangely feels like an engagement gift from couples about to go ROM hahaha

 

okay serious serious. one year older means I must be more mature. Act maturely, speak maturely, and do things like a grown-up.  kk now I puke ! Can't wait to go uni. Sometime I really think i'll fit in better there? hmm i dunno.

 

and yeah my wonderful friend YD came back.... with a guy somemore ! hahah but that's beside the point. really nice talking to her, exchanging ideas. she didnt change much. alittle less happy perhaps. Which is a little saddening for me but. part of growing up I suppose, esp in a foreign land. at times i strangely feel that she didnt really go that far. it's as if she's still here just in a different school of some sorts. weird huh? human emotion. we can only see what's before our eyes. wish her well in U of T manz.i'm totally going to visit after As!

 

finally, nat day. yay it was a success overall and heidi you better say so too!!! hhaaha. go your house to watch soccer someday k? season starting soon~~ yeah council is an interesting place with many interesting people.  Nat day comm is indeed full of very nice people. To think that my one and only function as a 29th has already ended is highly oh well surreal and unbelievable. Shouldn't this be just a start?

 

now my life is finally back on track I should study hard. do all my tutorials and practice as much as I can for 1st october.

China is celebrating her 60 years while i'm getting grilled by GP paper and Jap paper. How ironic.

 

Ah this post is so brief and uninsightful. there are still many more things that i could/should talk about. Like first time having Taiwan friends, some more very pretty Taiwan friends! haha wth man. it was real interesting chatting with Pris' buddy and seeing how she sees her own country. okay maybe not a country but yeah, for the lack of a better word.

 

more on that another time.

i

feel

empty

sia

haha same name as the Rproject show.

 

I guess it's really time to revive my half dead space. poor little space that's been neglected by me for so long. I gues it's cos life passes through like a bullet train. i dont want to dwell on stuff too much if not i would miss the train. i would lag very very far behind and never catch up, in every sense. There were many instances during this period of hiatus in which i felt this urge to blog. Maybe i should just list down very briefly the things that i wanted my space to know within this period of time. I doubt many people still read this blog, after having no updates for so long. but those that still do, i guess you guys really care about me or about what's happening in my life.

 

here it goes:

I had many urges to blog about SOCCER. Man utd got the league title again. I really respect Sir Alex Ferguson. I hope i can be as smart as him. or even half as smart.

 

there are alot of things to say regarding council. nat day planning. commzD stuff. well working post doesnt sound v appealing do they?

 

I have a lot of thoughts on MPS too. haha what i term it as "singaporean sad story". actually it's not really sad. it's just that their trouble differ too much from our trouble. it defintely allowed me to appreciate life better. i mean i'm on my way towards a good life, decent uni, scholarship, high-paying job and what not. while they who live in the same country as us or maybe even just a few blocks from us are getting pink notices for almost every single thing. and tell me how their kids are gonna walk on the same path as us in the future. i mean i'm not saying that our path is perfect and the way to go. but this seems to be the only way to climb out of the cycle of poverty in this society. good luck to them really. and it's not  entirely fate's fault. sometime you cant help but wonder how/why some people can screw up their own life that bad. seriously. and now i totally think that people dont mature naturally as they age. maturity and age are two very different concepts.

 

and strange enough i have not mentioned a word about CTs have I? Chem Math Jap are out. i'm left with GP and Phys paper two. Funny that i'm only taking these few subjects yet my files are already as thick as what i normally get for one entire RG year. JC is sure a lot more hectic isnt it? I think I'll do a proper reflections on them once i get all my results and my report. my CT says there's gonna be one with your percentile standings for each subject. I have got a feeling that the parent meeting thing is gonna be cancelled in light of H1N1 just like everything else. and the reason that i remember the existence of parent meeting thing is cos it falls on my bday.  oh haha these week i've been asked about when my bday is by like various people. actually i dont quite realise that it is approachin until people asked me during random chats. yeah yea yeah i'm getting older and older. like how ruth has been laughin at me for singing rlly rlly rlly old songs in school. haha like "love you more than i can say".

 

oh man i sidetrack like crazy from CTs which is a solemn subject to bday. haha. kk back to CTs. i was really nervous this time, like really really. which is something that i shouldnt do in the future. yeah more on that when i get back everything. esp the dreaded GP >.<

 

and on to speech contest. I didnt manage to win the rice cooker this year. but haha LCD TV is good enough for me xD yay. and I love my mentor!!!!!! argh she rocks and her cooking rocks too hohoho.

 

kk this post is long enough as it is. hope my blog feels more alive now. but i guess you can sense from my entry that i am pretty much alive so it's good yup!

 

bye !

so that i can appear in many places at the same time.

 

i officially leave GP to the hands of divine power.

i really like making people happy. it's great to see people smile because of your smile. even they are strangers. it's really a great feeling.

 

i think my calling is to be an entertainter, though it'll probably not come true. never mind, i can always freelance.

 

tomorrow is invest, then final night, a bunch of match support and Hua Hui concert to attend. not fogetting the regular mps. no time to study at all.

 

going to GH for some volunteer thing tomorrow. hope i wont catch swine flu or sth xDD what the hell i dont really care i know i wont die anyway hahaahaha cos too many people cannot bear to let me go right right? xDD

 

choy

 

sometime you die off without even knowing it.

 

luckily i have maroon five to keep me sane. argh.

Sorry blog, sorry for not posting on 16 April, your four year birthday. I didnt forget, of course i mean how could I. Just that I had meet the people session on that day and by the time i came home it's already past midnight. Anyway, happy birthday, i will kepp you alive for as long as I could, for as Long as MSN allows me to.

 

4 years of blogging. You had your good and bad times. I guess it's the peaceful time now. I didnt really tell people about you after I entered JC, maybe just one or two new friends thats all. I have to admit that the feeling of not many people reads does impedes me from bloggin some time. But I guess the most important factor of all is that there's simply too much to say, too much to tell. JC life can be as mundane as it sounds but i guess it's definitely not mundane on its inside, ie, alot of feelings go through you like electric current. They shock you, excite you, motivate you and anger you sometime. I'm too afraid to pour out too much here, i cant let myself dwell on those things at all. take everyday as it comes and just move on. This can sometime make you feel that you are in a mess, cos there's no time for you to reflect and learn. I dont know. but i guess living everyday to its fullest is good enough.

 

no change, four years of journeying with you. you should have seen me grow. how the feeling becomes less and less intense. how the thoughts become more and more factual. I can no longer write like I used to. those childish but genuine feel. those days of wondering, wondering about life. it's not like i yearn to go back. just nostalgic i guess. I'm too used to people come and go.  The important thing is to always remember. remember the good days. let them sink into your heart. let them remind you of the wonderful things that happened before and could possibly happen again. without bitter farewells, there won't be sweet reunion.Yidan, really want to meet you someday some where somehow. there's so much we could talk about so much to share. i always have this feel that you are alittle alone there, not in the physical sense but more like nobody can view you and treat you the way we do here? i dont know. i'll work hard to go US, then i can meet you, and your wakaka also xDDDD

 

let me be appreciative here. my class is great. might be boring as some people see it. yea i agree.16 scholars and 4 locals dont exactly sound like an exciting combination to you right. But heck why would I want my class to be exciting for? It's good as it is. I'm happy here cos they keep me sane, sane as in away from the JC wildness. I made pretty good friends, possibly becoming closer in the future, hopefully.

 

then i got into council, though it's just the beginning. but i guess it's somethin to be happy about.

 

then i got my LES. haah not lesbian partner or something if you are thinknig along that line xDDD but if such things do happen to me i guess hmmm that is real exciting xDD. anyway, language elective scholarship, something i've always wanted. 4 years of Jap, how much have i sacrificed. how much excitement it has brought me as well. it'll be my good friend for a long time to come.

 

now i need to study hard to get my As. all others dont matter so much for now, sounds sad but true. i guess i'm not motivated enough. not doing enough. i need to discipline myself more.

 

in conclusion, my blog, thanks for taking all my nonsense. get used to the quietness, or shall i say exclusiveness. bye for now

things are hitting us wave after wave, leaving us with no space for a breather or any sort.

 

so, the whole council campaign episode is officially over. i guess i really really learnt alot through this experience. i'm never good at selling myself, being very thin skinned. i'm really grateful of all the aupport that i got from my friends. esp people that i classify as acquitances and never expected anything really. I guess a little act of kindness really goes a long way. That's not saying that I take the support of my long term friends for granted. but i suppose it's just natural that they are there. They are always there. But then again, I guess over the years I sort of acquired this belief that the duration of knowing someone really as nothing to do with the intimacy of the friendship. In a world that is moving so fast, everything is seriuosly speed up. I guess some things are really fated, just like some people.  There is a long list of people that I want to thank, i need to thank, not just cos they helped me in my campaign. More for the fact that they've been there all along. Growing with me, seeing me becoming who i am today. they might never see this. but i'll still put it here anyway.

 

XY, for doing my posters. staying up later than me to do my posters. without you i don't know what would have happened to them man. knowing each other since sec2, the most original late club member, haha. many a time i would think that we are such different people, with such different aspirations. but somehow we click well. we accept each other as who we are. i'm quite sure that we'll grow up to do very different things in very different places. i don't think that will change anything. the connection will always be there, always. and YES, alot of people came and asked me why i'm made to look so 丰满 in the poster! xDDD so i'm the only one who didnt noticed that? xD

 

then, it's MQ, for doing my banner and stickers. nonono, that's not the things that touched me the most. it's the fact that you said "好啊好啊好啊”immediately when i abruptly called you for help. you have no idea how reassuring and comforting that is. the whole sunday afternoon you were there painting the banner, with thousand and one people calling you, wanting to give you birthday treats. and you didnt even eat dinner. your willingness touched me babe. and when i hear beatles i'll always think of you. must go kbox some day and sing together man!

 

and i thank you Zhang Moon, xD  for doing artistic stickers that i'm most CMI  at. Knowing you since bian lun in sec 3. walking and talking with you on a random day in sec 4. i always remember these things you know? and i know that when i sing 死了都要爱， you'll always sing along with me. always.

 

the RA (random academy, not raffles academy) people, thanks for rooting behind me, though i'm not there half the time. >.< you guys are the only people that i can confidently refer to as "my gang". such a 黑社会 feeling! 

 

my beloved 6S, you guys rock！although XY laugh at me for my 不伦不类的武汉+深圳+安庆= mish mash scholar accent, i guess i cant help it man. haha, 也许真的是越活越回去了吧, but i might as well accept it happily. at least with you guys, finishing things in advance is not something that i need to hide about. and i guess all things are fated. 也许老天惩罚我六年不回去，特意安排的吧。 thankyou HQ, for providing me emotional support, for telling me your story, for listening to my story. for having an interest in me, hahaha. what an honour man, the iron attracted the magnet. xD treasure these two years ya? it's short and fierce. all the more we need to stand together.

 

lastly i think i really need to thank my seniors, my many many seniors who have shared so much experience with me and have given me so much encouragement all along. HC, 3K, wenyu, LiZhao, Noah the Arc, and those even more senior ones.i really look up to you guys and yeah, thank you guys for lighting up the path for us man. it's real inspiring to awe at the things that each of you is pro at.

 

There are still many more, many many more. my campaign partner, my ojisan, J5 guy. those that voted for me, those that don't even know me but still voted for me. those that said jiayou to me. those that told me i can do it....

 

and LZ, i wish we can be in this together. at least we can look out for each other. well, you need to focus on what you need to focus on. and yea woman, it's the 6th year we've known each other already. there are still so many things that we are gonna do together, like follow you to xi'an and you follow me to taiyuan. like going to ahem clark quay area for ahem ahem. like watching M18 together. haha we'll do it someday. don't forget about them yea? =D

 

there's still much more i want to say but i need to go dinner now. guess i'll do it another day.

 

ps: if you happen to read until here. pleeeeeeeease, just drop a comment, even if it's just one word "read", to make me feel replied hahaha.

 

weite

i dont want to lose my ability in writing in English. Too much Chinese is not good for me. In fact too much of anything is not good for us. School is starting again tomorrow. I sort of look forward to it. Or at least I do not resist it. Staying at home can be quite boring after a while. because I always resort to doing anti social activities at home. Like watching shows online and gaming. I don't go online to talk to people or socialize on facebook or whatnot. My hermit self takes over during holiday and I disappear immediately and completely off everyone's radar once the holiday is here. I guess that's not very healthy. I feel the need to interact more with the people around me man. Guess I'm lazy to take the initiative sometime.

 

I didnt do alot of work during this pathetic one week holiday. I mean, what do you expect me to accomplish in one week man? 3 times of cca, outings and sleep are enough to take up all the time i have. Btw, from tomorrow onwards there'll be no more late mondays for me. Won't be able to sleep in until I don't know how many weeks after, since weekends' morning are already occupied. This is bad . waking up early (before 10am) shortens my life, i swear. I'm born a night person and now school or more like social constraints are forcing me to adapt myself to become a morning person. That's simply impossible okay. Try training a tiger to have the same foutine as a rooster. Either the tigers dies or you die. haha

 

Now let me talk about something else. Some woman killed her daughter. Cant' believe that this kind of things are happening in singapore right now. I think the level of security in Sg is definitely declining over the years, fast. If it's the japs they'll probably blame it on the foreigners. Quite a few of the murder cases in Singapore in the recent years indeed involved foreigners. But I think we shouldnt blame it on them. It's te whole world that is becoming more and more chaotic by the day, not just in Singapore. In German, we see a 17 year old boy randomly shooting and killing innocent people "for fun". In Austria, we see a lunatic human beast practised slavery and incest on his own daughters for 20 odd years. In US, we see Madoff cheating everyone's hard earned money away. In Iceland, we see the whole nation falling apart. Too many to be named. I dont know if the world is coming to an end. But I think it is more or less going towards that direction, it's just a matter of time. Men need to save themselves from sinking deeper and deeper. I think all these evildoings are in the name of greed. Greed for blood, greed for sex, greed for money......

 

can't we all contain our greed and be satisfied with what we already have? well i think then men will sink into another pitfall -- the lack of motivation to excel.

 

life is an art of balancing. Like what someone told me the other day. The world is like a big balacing scale. The good guys on one side and the bad guys on the other side. If all the bad guys are removed from the scale it will no longer be balaned. and that is when the world is really gonna end.

 

perhaps she's right. maybe we ought to appreciate the fact that there are bad people around to make us feel good. so much for the greed for good feelings then.

i've been waking up early for 14 consective days. to me waiking up before 10am is considered early. there's still so much left to be done. with a measurement test to study for. but school's been fine i guess. largely cos i have friends to support me. i'm kinda grateful of rp, which enabled us to all go RJ. and the A level results are fantastic for batch of 08s. best in 28 years! o man. hope it wont become worst in 30 years when it comes our batch. haha oh well but on a micro scale worst or best doesnt affect me. i just have to do well my self i suppose.

 

伊丹，你会回来新加坡看我们么？if not i want to fly to canada some day babe!

 

身子很累，心还好。昨天竟然吃了subway。 哈哈，从来不这么宠自己的哦。就算是慰劳一下吧，吃顿好的。我决定要开始一个增肥+get fit 计划。3月假期增 2kg，争取去跟ruth rollerblade 一次，打次球，很久没摸球了，跑步，怎么说napfa要来了呀。

 

每天早起不知道折了我多少寿。得在假期感谢让人振奋的事情，把命补回来

忽然有冲动，在这里大写特写。可能是在学校学了点习，心安理得了一点点吧。

 

似乎已渐渐习惯初院生活。背着书包，到处游走。没有所谓的homeroom，地方大了，

大了许多。更容易感到孤独吧？有一点。

还好班上的人很好。女生们都很好相处。男生们又没什么存在感。

是有一点minichina的感觉。

在学校讲惯了英文。感觉像working language一样。而现在脱口而出的是中文。

本来就很溜，现在更溜了。

无所谓啦，开心就好。

现在过得挺不错的。

尤其是class camp过后跟一些很可爱的人变熟了之后。

这烧我还是 look forward to school 的。

 

但始终，这只是开始罢了。

pw还没开始，iroiro的enrichment也没开始。cca也还好，因为不知道进不进syf。

正所谓honey term 八。

初见或许是最美好的。

再见能不能一直美好下去呢？

 

两年。不短也不长啊。